I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
You Might Also Like
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Cardio Made Easy
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry