Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
You Might Also Like
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Why does laundry happen to good people?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.