jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
You Might Also Like
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade