Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
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me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
This is always good for a laugh.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.