Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”