[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
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Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.