Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
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You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.