What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao