You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
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I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW