I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.