A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille