WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Go girl power!
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.