hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
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me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?