When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
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i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing