You Might Also Like
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.