Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
look at me when i’m typing to you
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
PER MY LAST EMAIL