Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
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Quadruple digit IQ
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.