Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
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besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.