[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
You Might Also Like
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.