Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
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I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
A bold strategy
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.