I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Ha
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
opening twitter today
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.