Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
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Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
The pen is writier than the sword.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?