Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.