Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
You Might Also Like
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Woke up against my better judgment again
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Ok, but like, how married are you?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.