A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.