ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
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Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.