Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
You Might Also Like
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Body by sandwich.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.