I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
You Might Also Like
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call