Single and childfree like Jesus
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I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.