A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
You Might Also Like
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Is this a threat?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.