I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
my dad has had enough
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!