She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
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[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.