my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”