Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
You Might Also Like
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Yes, but it was never about money
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…