Mood.. 😂
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You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.