ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
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Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”