Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.