My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
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Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.