Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
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Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Put this video in the Louvre
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes