Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
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