Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.