who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day