My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
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Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
How to find Kentucky on a map
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
no their not
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.