going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope