Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Des Moines Police having a normal one
this is uni
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside