Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…