My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
This one’s “Alex”.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.