Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.