me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?