Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
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I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
No way!
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!